Words fail me most often. Chaos is quite literally the only way to describe my life lately. Where to begin. I'm thankful that this won't reach as many people in my life as it could. At this moment, this keyboard and this computer are my confidant.
I rekindled an old relationship I was pretty sure was buried away forever. My heart was bitter and cold to any chance of this being mended. It is far from mended, but there was a start. What can come of anything without a start?
When I was a little girl, I would often dance with my father. The man who taught me how to waltz. The Beautiful Blue Danube. Whenever that glorious song meets me ear I am overwhelmed with emotion. I listen to the beautiful composition and close my eyes. There I am with my father. My hand in his and my arm propped up on his shoulder. We waltz from room to room spinning and smiling, so synchronized, so simple. What an impact those moments would have on my memory. I can feel it. We never worried about stepping on each others feet. We had practiced this after all. Each step and each spin. I had never felt so elegant or so light as when I was dancing around the living room with my father in my socks and pajamas.
Memories like this, it makes it so difficult to remember the hurt.
The promises that were broken and the tears that were shed cannot be undone, nor do they have to be. Every tear that streamed down my face is a reminder that I overcame the pain. It was never an easy thing to do. When you are forced to be strong when you don't necessarily want to be is never as glamorous as it is made out to be. There are grieves that cannot be spoken. I believe in myself though. There is always going to be reasons why I should worry about the past, but life is far to short to dwell on them.
I am sitting here, in a little coffee shop on the end of a road. People shuffling in and out of the door. Smiles on their faces and embracing the ones they encounter on the way. What a beautiful chaos each one of them must be facing at this moment. Where are their thoughts fleeting to? What is weighing on their minds and aching in their hearts? I like to try to imagine. Wonder. I wonder if they wonder about my chaos as much as I wonder about theirs?
Today was too deep. eh.
